my ♥ and everything in it

that’s what my banner should’ve said, but i’m too lazy to change it. and according to chris g, it’s toooo emo.

how have my days been? horrible. think about this. i’m in the longest frenzy you could ever possibly imagine so that i can’t stop and think about certain things. if i start to think about them, i’ll cry. like instantly! you’d think i could cry on cue or something. if i became an actress and i had to cry on cue, i’d just have to think of the many regrets and mistakes i’ve made not only this past week but during my entire… whachamacallit. that ship word with relation. and the frenzy i’m in. think of the biggest most extravagant home you can think of. then think of it being filled with circus stuff to the max. then a black hole sucks it all up, taking the home’s roof first. yeah. that’s my life. minus the black hole to save me and stop this madness. i’m in such a frenzy that i don’t even eat. NOT ANOREXIC. maybe one meal a day. it’s just that i’m not in the mood. when i stop and think about everything i have and haven’t done, i’m left with one big circus stuff-filled house waiting for that black hole to clean everything up. let’s see. my eating schedule is pretty messed up, given that i’m usually a demon. my sleeping schedule is pretty whack too. so usually, i was able to fall asleep around 11.30 everday and wake up from 8-9. now, i fall asleep from 2-4 and wake up at 11. i’m incapable of falling asleep because i’m just too busy thinking about my regrets and my mistakes. the only way i’d fall asleep is if i cried myself to sleep. yeah. not happy, but at least i get those 9 hours, i guess. why don’t i get into a frenzy again? because i want to sleep like a normal person! the cycle start allllll over again the next day… or technically, later in the day. muchos frenzies. oh yeah. so people have been telling me to delete someone’s number. i’ve tried. believe me. so i’ll delete it. then someone calls. then i add it again. change the name? i have. originally it was kiiiinda negative but now it’s something positive. turn off my phone? i’ve tried. then i end up turning on my phone again to face utter disappointment yet again. silence it? but then i check my phone like every second. so now, it’s just on vibrate. well, it’s on vibrate when i’m in the same room but on vibe and ring if i leave it in my room. i leave it in my room! does that count? anyways, let’s just say it neither vibrates or vibes and rings the entire day, which is even more depressing. i would just give up and turn off my phone but i know that i’d just turn it on five minutes later. and i know that there’s no point in wallowing so much since the other end is not. basically i’m suffering on my own here. el hombre ha movado y preguntado a una otra nina para ayudarle con sus maletas. i know i know. no more analogies. then again, i wouldn’t be jessel if i didn’t have kick ass analogies. anyways, it just sucks to know that i can’t have anything to do with anyone anymore. sever the ties rule. obviously i won’t be hanging out with clan np anymore. at least not invited. according to jonah, they’d all just think i’d be there for someone. lolx. he who shall not be named. not only that but i just don’t want to let someone go or get over someone. it just sucks because i’m faced with certain facts or certain things that are kept in my mind and yet, it’s still impossible. i understand that i must accept the consequences to my actions, but this just sucks to the maxxxx. he can’t.

let’s just say that i’ve hit my lowest point in my entire life. not even a point. like a period of time. and i know there’s much much more of this kind of stuff to come. not due to other experiences. just this one. this one i can never have. i won a break up but lost something i didn’t want to lose. let’s just put it like this:

i’m in the valley of depression and there’s still a mountain i have to climb to get over him.

LAST ONE FOR THIS POST. I SWEAR. i mean, it’s a good strong ending! if i wanted to continue, i would be like i hate endings, this and this, that and that. but, it’d be pointless because it wouldn’t make a difference to anything or anyone.